Reconnecting with great friends

23 years ago we lived in Provo and while there for only 3 years, we developed a wonderful, close relationship with people who have become what I call forever friends. Shauna and I got to know each other while assigned to work with and teach the young women at church. We had an instant connection; a comfortableness with each other that was so unique, we felt as though we could be sisters. During those short 3 years, she and I shared everything together, from our joys to our fears to our heartaches, to our successes. We laughed together and dried each other's tears and wiped each other's mouths when sick. We were joined at the hip. Eventually we moved to Springville and they moved to Delta. We found ways to "feed" our relationship and keep it alive. I would drive to Delta and spend a day, or she would come here, or we'd meet in Nephi, telling our husbands we would be meeting for lunch, visit for a couple hours, and be home by dinner time; but that never happened. We'd meet at a park and talk until the sun went down, but we didn't notice until we became cold. Then we'd go grab a bite to eat and continue talking, the night getting later and later, until we would decide we now needed a treat, usually a milkshake, and the talking and bonding would continue. Good times!!! Then life got busier for both of us with our own family commitments and our only connection was through phone calls, but even that began to drop off until before we knew it, I had 3 kids married and 2 grandchildren born before we were able to see each other and connect once again tonight, at her daughter's wedding reception. I was nervous to see my friend, wondering if the years had erased the closeness we once felt, yet as we made eye contact, the tears started to flow. We wrapped our arms around each other and that embrace said it all. We are forever friends. She's my sister.

Nerves

No matter how many times I have to stand in front of people and take charge of something, I am ALWAYS nervous. My body reacts in embarrassing ways and I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. I DO feel more confident in myself as a person, but I wonder if I'll EVER feel comfortable being a "leader". I walk into church every week, trying to make sure I smile at, hug, talk to as many women as I can. It's a goal of mine to make everyone feel important, which they ARE, and I don't want anyone to feel invisible, although that's the state of being I would prefer to be in myself. I look at the back row, corner seat, longingly, but have to make the long walk up front. I keep thinking that after all these years, I would be more comfortable and certain things would become easier. Not so. As a young girl, playing the piano at a recital, hands and knees are shaking, head is nervously shaking, eyes twitch, and here we are years later, same thing. I find myself so preoccupied with trying to keep my body from going into convulsions, that I just might miss "reaching out" to someone and I've been told before that it has been interpreted as me being "uppity". Ouch! Yet I try so hard, and will keep trying, even though it would be much easier to stick my head in the sand.

Missing My Daddy

While out running errands today, driving on the freeway, thoughts of my Dad came to mind, just out of the blue. A feeling spread throughout my whole body until I was crying. What was that all about? Of course I think about my Dad often, and still miss him so much, even though he died 34 years ago. I miss what we had, and what we could've had; what my children and grandchildren could've had. I mourn the loss. But today I couldn't help wondering if my Dad, being where he is now, is thinking "this is no loss...just wait". Food for thought!

Birthday woes

I turned 50 last month. There...I said it! I thought my 40th was hard, but another decade has come and gone already. Wow! Life is going by much too quickly. I have literally lived my life in fear for the entire year leading up to this birthday. I guess that number has just always signified "old" to me and I don't consider myself old yet. I don't want to be old. I have found myself turning more to material things, spending money that I shouldn't to try to make myself feel younger; buy youth, I guess. The closer I got to March 23rd, the more I panicked. One day my good friend Sandie asked me why I was so upset. She told me, "it's just a number". My brother told me "it's just another day". A light turned on in my head and it caused me to do some reflecting. Would I really want to go back to any specific age I've already surpassed? No way! I'm having the time of my life. It just keeps getting better and better. That doesn't mean I haven't experienced trials, or won't again, but what I've learned in my 50 years is incredible. It's my life experiences that have taught me who I am; what I'm made of, given me confidence in myself; opened my eyes to so many things that I am grateful for. It's time to stop living my life in fear, but rather embrace what I've been given and take each new day as a gift. So now, I truly feel like celebrating. I love the lyrics "Celebrate, Celebrate, Dance to the music..."

Work

Every tax season, when my part-time job becomes full-time, I find myself in awe of those who put in the standard 8 plus hr. day EVERY day. I come home to a house that needs attention, dinner that needs to be made, family members who deserve to have some of my time, other responsibilities that need attending to, and all I want to do is crash. April 15th is my light at the end of the tunnel, but to all those who work hard, day in and day out, I have great respect and admiration for. I don't know how you do it all. I'm so grateful to a husband who provides for our family, gets up each morning and goes to work at a job that has placed a tremendous amount of stress on his shoulders, yet he keeps going. With 2 days left until the craziness of tax season is over, as I put in my 10 hour work days, I refuse to whine.

This is my first posting on my blog. Thank you Karen for creating it for me and Brittany for showing me how to use this. My newest, greatest love in life is being a grandma. This is my favorite grandson, Brandon. He's 11 months old. He is the cutest baby you've ever seen. He loves playing with my necklace choice of the day. Love this little guy.