Nerves

No matter how many times I have to stand in front of people and take charge of something, I am ALWAYS nervous. My body reacts in embarrassing ways and I just want to crawl in a hole and hide. I DO feel more confident in myself as a person, but I wonder if I'll EVER feel comfortable being a "leader". I walk into church every week, trying to make sure I smile at, hug, talk to as many women as I can. It's a goal of mine to make everyone feel important, which they ARE, and I don't want anyone to feel invisible, although that's the state of being I would prefer to be in myself. I look at the back row, corner seat, longingly, but have to make the long walk up front. I keep thinking that after all these years, I would be more comfortable and certain things would become easier. Not so. As a young girl, playing the piano at a recital, hands and knees are shaking, head is nervously shaking, eyes twitch, and here we are years later, same thing. I find myself so preoccupied with trying to keep my body from going into convulsions, that I just might miss "reaching out" to someone and I've been told before that it has been interpreted as me being "uppity". Ouch! Yet I try so hard, and will keep trying, even though it would be much easier to stick my head in the sand.